Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Insecurity vs. Jealousy

I have read and value the comments posted to my last entry. It is interesting to me that they have focussed on my husband's insecurity rather than his jealousy. Are they the same? To me, envy is a more primal emotion and easier to understand. I am not so certain that insecurity has the same primitive ancestory.

I genuinely believes that my husband accepts his submission, therefore he is quite secure with who he is and how he relates to me. He should also be, by now, absolutely certain that my dominance is not a fleeting interest, but a core part of my personality. Therefore, he should be secure and comfortable with our established roles in the relationship My cuckolding him reinforced his submission and therefore should only have made him more secure.

One might respond by arguing that he thinks the relationship itself is in jeopardy as a result of what happened. I dismiss this. He understands and internalizes my commitment to him. I think instead that his issues stem from the fact that on a certain level, almost an evolution-driven, chemical level, he cannot bear to see his mate with another. Intellectually he desires it, but the animal that remains in all of us will not permit it.

Perhaps I am rambling. As a rule, I try not to think out loud in this forum. However, I am still formulating by final thoughts on the topic. I am interested in more feedback from all of you.


Wayne C. Rogers said...

Lady Katherine,
You've hit the nail right on the head. This instinct is in most men. For a man being cuckolded by his wife, it will arise as a form of jealousy, which certainly intensifies the experience. Jealousy, however, can lead to an unconscious sense of insecurity. Common sense and rationality don't come into play when these feelings arise. A man also can't stop these feelings from coming up, no matter how much he knows that his wife loves him. It's a difficult situation for both of you, but you are certainly working through the issues.

Wife of sissy said...

The question is then "what is jealousy?". It is defined as a reaction to rivalry or unfaithfulness. I do agree that it has strong elements of envy. But if envy, then envy of what? As humans we envy those that have an advantage or enjoy a privelege that we do not have. This absolutely defines the nature of a Woman led marriage. As the leader you enjoy advantages and priveleges that your husband does not. You enjoyed the attentions of Jim, his hard penis penetrating your mouth and vagina spmething your husband did not get to experience. You shared the secrets of your marriage with him and you exposed your husband as a submissive follower---something that is shameful in the "normal" male culture. I do believe you are wise to consider your husband's feelings and to recognize them. Unstated by you is what you want. I believe that you not only enjoyed the trist with Jim but it thrilled you and sent your developement to a new level. You defintely have pushed your husband's boundaries in the past and both of you have reaped the rewards. I think the principle of your freedom to pursue your pleasure trumps any envy issues. I believe it is something your husband can work through if you choose to pursue these issues further.

jett c said...

Security and trust are often taken as a given, until they are put at risk. Once at risk it is human nature to begin thinking of the consequences of their loss. Are there realities that bind you and your husband together? In my own desire to be a cuckold I wonder if it is not the fact that I have a very successful career and that my wife and I are completely dedicated to our children that gives me the confidence to suggest that my wife cuckold me. The realities that bind us together may provide a layer of security that transcends vows. I wonder if my feelings would be the same if we had no children and it was she who had the Wall Street career.

Queen'sKnight1 said...

I think there are a couple of possibilities.

Your husband could feel that he is responsible for leading you to an infidelity that you did not originally desire. While intellectually, both of you acknowledge your right to intimacy with any man you wish, he may deep within himself feel a guilt that you did not really want this and that he is responsible for leading you here. And, then again,this may not be the case at all.

Another possibility is that he is unsettled by seeing Jim as dominant over you. Your husband cherishes your dominance, and yet Jim apparently was allowed to take you in missionary position. The founder of Club Fem in Houston, Mistress Dee, now cuckolds her husband gene, keeping him in permanent chastity. All of her sexual needs are met by a younger slave, however this other slave is very dominated by Mistress Dee. Perhaps if your husband saw you dominating the bull, he would feel more secure. In allowing Jim intimacy without submission to you, your husband may somewhere inside fear that you want a man who is your equal or even dominant to you. He knows that he can never live in that role and the image of Jim, being intimate with you yet not submissive to you, may unsettle him. If he were to see you unquestionably dominating another male sexually, it is possible that this would portray you in his eyes as the powerful and unconquerable Goddess he wants you to be. The other male would represent nothing more than a toy whom you are using then discarding, rather than a potential rival who may win your heart away from him.

Some possibilities for future cuckolding might be always to choose a different bull; your husband would begin to see bulls as just toys whom you use then discard rather than someone to whom you might potentially become more and more attached. Possibly choose bulls much older or younger, racially different, men whom he would see as less likely to steal your heart away. You might just engage in petting with the next bull, denying him intimacy and even orgasm or ordering him to masturbate for your pleasure. This would reinforce your power in the eyes of your husband and not carry quite the full impact of seeing you in intercourse. And finally, by seeing you thoroughly dominate the other male, your husband knows that your heart is strong willed and not likely to be stolen away by some man who seems possibly to have the potential to woo you. After several episodes like this, he may become less threatned when you allow a bull to take you in missionary position. Most likely, you do not want him to get to the point that he just sees you as his Hot Wife as there would no longer be the sub-space impact, but rather a small degree of sensitization may just get him through this.

oldbearswitch said...

Hello to allof you. I have been lurking. All of you make great points. If I disagree with or try to refute your position I mean no disrespect, please bear with me.

Picture a happily married couple. They think a lot about each other-at work, at home, when travelling. They have kids and/or social activities in common. They respect each other, and their life-long commitment. They are special to each other.

See them at a quiet dinner together. They talk about a lot of little nothings, smile at each other a lot, they plan to go home and enjoy each other's companionship. Maybe the will have sweet and passionate loving later tonight. Maybe not. The musicians come up, the couple requests a song, and as the song is played for them they are transfixed by the moment and their love for each other.

Now what if after a couple years of what started as an AHF marriage, the married couple you see in the restaurant is not a married couple but a cuckoldress and her stud-toy. The man who previously had her respect and her tenderest affections is now little more than a domestic fetish slave . The tender feeling and special moments and respect she once showed to her husband are now given to another pretty much on the basis of his better looks and sexual prowess.

Why would a man who really loves his wife and has a special relationship with her risk the loss of such a special thing? Why would an intelligent and caring women allow such a thing to happen to what was once he most cherished relationship? Perhaps the answer lies in the powerful biochemical conditions that accompany good sex. Perhps a common theme when cuckolding goes wrong in a good marriage is the transfer of positive emotions from spouse to the new lover? Perhaps some of it is the result of unrestrained slavishness meeting up with hedonism taken unto selfishness. Can a great thing like submission and service be taken far enough to cause a lady to disregard or even discard a person who was once the most special person in her life?

Of course it doesnt have to be the negative way I depicted. I may not have occured to all who read this but a women having sex beyond her spouse need not accompany any othe form of sexual fetish or fantasy. Cuckolding does not necessarily exist in conjunction with Female authority. Nor female disdain. Nor male abdication.

No doubt there are some great cuckold marriages out there, based on a man's selfless concern for his wife pleasure and her cherised acceptance of his relational and sexual subservience to her.

So much of what is said and posted on the web is based on extreme stereotypical male fantasies it is easy to overlook that some men cherish the friendship and respect of their wife above all else. Even extreme sexual fulfillment and an exciting submissive fantasy come true.

Such a man would defintely be insecure and unhappy after a powerful cuckolding was given to him or shared by him. It is not necessarily the fear of losing his marital status. it is sadness, fear, and emotional trauma that he may never have that special love again.

Perhaps a wise man will realize it is cruel and unfair to open the door to new sexual bliss and then ask his wife to close it. Perhaps a wise woman will see that to really be cruel to another emotionally is not different than criminal physical torture and kills part of her humanity if and when she does it.

But best of all perhaps a wise women can toy with her spouse's inadequacies in the sexual arena while building him up in the rest of his psyche because she cherishes his special surrender to her.

Many have posted geat ideas and suggestions. i hope i helped too.

peace love and grace to all!

Especially thanks and respect to Katherine West and her husband for their sharing and being so real and feeling!

Richard said...

Allow me to delurk and tell you how much I've enjoyed your blog.

I have a cuckolding fetish, and am sexually submissive to my wife, but we are coequal in all other aspects of our relationship, and she does have relationships with other men.

You are quite correct when you state that on an "evolution-driven, chemical level, he cannot bear to see his mate with another." If a man is submissive and this activity strikes a cord within his sexuality, actually being cuckolded is very stimulating, but on some level it is not altogether pleasant. It is also a big adjustment emotionally, and my own first cuckolding sounds very similar to what your husband is going through.

With time and ample communication, I am sure that as a couple you two will find the balance where everyone feels that the activity is a positive one, and I very much look forward to reading about how it progresses for you.



oldbearswitch said...

Hello again everyone, to answer Katherine's first question directly, yes the jealousy is a more primal instinct than insecurity, "that is mine, gimmeit!"or perhaps in this case it is "don't take mine!" is the feeling.

I think PROBABLY the insecurity is worse overall because it is threatening the higher social commitment of
friendship in marriage. This is attacking something higher on maslovs hierarchy of needs, namely the need to belong and be wanted. This is a higher need than the lower things like survival and reproduction. So its loss is VERY de-satisfying.

Just my opinion. We all feel differently about cuckolding. YMMV. Do what you need to for you and your spouse and family and religion and community.

Please let us all remember how sweet
and romantic her husbands preparations were, and how tenderly she let him worship her while Jim
was in the bathroom. Could we not feel the adoration and SELFLESS visceral diminutation of her husband
when he guided Jim to her waiting flower? And maybe most importantly for her, it was wonderful and passionate
sexing of a women in her prime by a stud male. As a man who has been fortunate to be on the giving end of that I can promise you unless the man is swine it is a special gift to the lady. That doesnt necessarily mean hubby isnt special to her anymore, but after seeing that it might be hard for him to believe it at the moment.

Deep, beautiful, ritualized, and profound; the scenario that unfolded in the bedroom was a whole lot more many than just any one of its components like good sex, humiliation, power exchange, or belittlement. Maybe the consequences, however intense and lasting they are, need not mean profoud NEGATIVE changes in their marriage.

Perhaps like I, you sort of are a fan of Katherine's and want her to be happy and fulfilled. We
should be able to trust that the wisdom, grace, intuition, and intellect she has shown to us so far via this blog will help her make the right choice.

All we can do as outsiders is direct to all involved our best intentions, posiitve thoughts, and prayers. Love and peace to all three of them and all of you.

Wayne C. Rogers said...

Maybe I'm missing something, but being cuckolded by your wife, or girlfriend, is not an entirely positive, or even pleasant, experience for the submissive male. It's not supposed to be. It's certainly nice if the husband gets aroused at the thought of his wife sleeping with another man, but when a Dominant woman cuckolds her husband, it's usually done for two very important reasons. One is for her own sexual pleasure and two is to take her husband into a deeper form of subspace. Of course a submissive man is going to be filled with different emotions about this. It's only natural. At one moment, he may find himself brimming with sexual excitement, then during another, he may feel a sense of insecurity and even jealousy at the thought of another man being intimate with his wife. There's nothing wrong with feeling these emotions. It's the woman, however, who makes the final decision with regards to continuing with the cuckoldry. She may take her husband's feeling into consideration, but in the end, it's about what she wants to do. If Dominant wife derives a great deal of pleasure from the experience, then she may want to continue cuckolding her husband, while allowing her submissive to gradually work through the mixed emotions. Keep in mind that when a submissive is being whipped for punishment, he usually doesn't enjoy it, but that doesn't stop the Mistress from doing it. She making a point about her control over him and his obedience to her. It's the same with cuckolding, but on a slightly different level. The wife is using cuckoldry to take her husband to a brand new level of submission. He may not enjoy it, but it is the choice of the Mistress. If a Mistress truly wants to do something in particular, the submissive can't be topping from below by trying to control her actions through a combination of insecurity and jealousy. Any Dominant/submissive relationship will push some of the buttons on a submissive male as he seeks to serve his Goddess with total devotion and love. Not everything will be enjoyable to him. Still, when you agree to serve a Dominant woman, you have to be willing to accept the many challenges that will certainly come your way. There's nothing easy about being a submissive male. A Goddess will automatically search out the things that disturb her submissive the most and then make him do those very things to teach him the meaning of servitude and obedience. Cuckoldry is simply one way in which this is done. One last thing, this isn't directed at Lady Katherine's husband, but rather to other submissive men so that they may understand why cuckoldry can be important in a D/s relationship.

Just Me said...

Lady Katherine,
Wayne makes a good point by saying that being cuckolded by your wife is not an entirely positive, or even pleasant, experience for the submissive male.
However, it's not supposed to be "about" the submissive male, it's about You. i would rather not be cuckolded, but as a submissive man, i want Her to feel in control. This means i recognize that She has final say this and every other matter, and i need to communicate this to Her by every deed, action, and word spoken. If She isn't comfortable with cuckolding because She thinks it will disturb me, then i haven't been as good at expressing myself as i hoped. LFA means never having to say Your sorry, as long as Your the Female, lol.

KenKnight said...

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