Friday, January 20, 2006

More than Subspace

My husband did indeed receive an intense subspace experience from cuckolding. He also subsequently experienced triggered events that I described in my posts. The intiial experience, as well as the subsequent events, irrespective of his ability to continue to make use of them, were a postive outcome of cuckolding. My newfound sense of irrevocable and absolute control over my husband counts as another positive from the experience.

We are, however, dealing with some of the peripheral emotional issues that many of you on this blog and professionals such as Elise Sutton have told us to expect. My husband and I have not yet fully digested the emotional impact that the event has had on our relationship. At the core of it seems to be newfound insecurity on his part. While he does have an intellectual understanding and acceptance that I am absolutely committed and devoted to him, he has what I can only describe as very primal fears that my devotion is in jeopardy.

I will guide him through these issues and we will be more perfectly bonded as a result. Yet to omit these aftershocks from the ballad that I am unfolding would be an injustice to all of you, and that is why I mention them now.


VeezKnight said...

"...More perfectly bonded as a result of cuckolding." Interesting statement. Couples in the swinging lifestyle often relate that they feel closer to one another as a result of swapping. If this were something one could count on happening, then I suspect more couples would swap spouses, especially those who feel as if their marriage is drifting.

But of course not everyone has the courage to venture into uncharted territory. And not everyone can deal with it once they go there. The business of subspace notwithstanding, cuckolding is similar. Unnecessary issues arise such as jealousy, insecurity, performance anxiety, etc... This is why Elise Sutton does not endorse or encourage cuckolding, and likens it to dynamite. If not very careful, one can end up blowing off one's fingers.

Sutton also says that in her experience in talking with many dominant women, cuckolding is more of a man's fantasy than a woman's. I think the reason is because many men find the thought of watching their wives have sex with another man to be erotic. In a conventional marriage, most wives are probably reluctant to make this happen, just to entertain their husbands. But in a FemDom marriage, suddenly there are other "intellectual" reasons for her having sex with another man, reasons other than her husband's entertainment.

Most mature folks claim to know the difference between having sex and making love. Yet I wonder. I believe women may understand this better than men. To that end, it might help if a dominant woman who chooses to cuckold her husband would not make reference to a "lover." That word implies the opportunity for more than just sex. And in my mind, it's a little too romantic. I guess calling him her "fucker" would be too profane. LOL. The words "stud" and "bull" seem to fill the bill, sorta. But maybe we need to create a new word, since it appears we can look forward appreciably more cuckolding taking place in marriages.

poormissy said...

Dear Ms. Katherine,

May i ask the ages of you and your husband and how long you've been coupled?

my Wife and i have explored the Femdom lifestyle, including chastity and cuckolding, for years now. Though at times i felt my Wife was ignoring me or was absorbed in the sexual feelings She had developed with another man, i never felt that our relationship was in jeopardy.

We've been together for about 15 years. i am 21 yrs Her senior. my 3rd marriage, Her 1st.

Perhaps my sense of what real trouble would be modifies my fears of Her leaving me just because She enjoys sex with another person. i get jealous, even unhappy but I know She loves me and that Her power and sexual pleasure is fueled by having a male to dominate and cuckold. It wouldn't be as much fun if i wasn't that part of it.

iobey said...

I think it's fair to say that most people who were following your cuckholding adventure online were fairly certain there had been some sort of residual issues; due to the abruptness of them ending.

I'm glad - as no doubt others are - you were able to come to a resolution; and continue with this blog. I think your honesty and directness would be appreciated by those who are considering trying something similar. We all learn from others; and you no doubt have something to teach all of us in the F/m community.


jett c said...

Dear Ms Katherine

I applaud you for your honesty and for your intellect. You are a superb writer. You also seem to be a very loving mistress. I hope your husband has the wisdom to see how much you care about his experience. You show your love and devotion to him quite clearly. Often you discuss how you can help him revisit subspace. I believe that his quest to live in subspace can only be found within himself. If he is truly submissive and you forbid him to come all but infrequently, he will find himself in subspace while cleaning up for you after dinner. I also applaud your understanding of how important it is in a femdom relationship for the female to assume absolute authority over her spouse. Cuckholding should be your decision alone. If you are firm with him and control his orgasms his objections will cease. Your intellect is rare. When one has somebody such as you, perhaps insecurity is natural.

Wayne C. Rogers said...

Dear Lady Katherine,
I think your husband's insecurity is perfectly natural. Cuckoldry can have a powerful affect on a couple, especially the man. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can arise for no apparent reason. It's clear to your readers that you love your husband and have his best interest in the fore front of your mind. I suspect that your husband knows that, too. Still, few things can cause such a mixture of emotions as cuckoldry in a Female Led Relationship. During my second marriage, the first thing my wife, Carol, said to me when she decided to incorporate cuckoldry into our lifestyle was for me to be careful about what I wished for. She warned me that there was always the possibility of her falling in love with one of the men that she would be seeing. It was a real possibility and Carol wanted me to be aware of that in no uncertain terms. Carol, however, always made it a practise to date men that she was physically attracted to, but not emotionally. I guess it was a juggling act for her. It did, however, work perfectly for us for over a year. That was when her youngest daughter moved back in with us and everything came to a sudden halt. Until then, Carol and I had the most exciting year of our lives. We both loved what she was doing and wouldn't have changed it for anything. It turned us both on in way we could never have imagined. Now, with my former Mistress, Genie, thing were totally different for the most part. Genie loves men and having sex with them. The problem was that she was always falling in love with the the majority of men whom she was seeing. She could start dating a new boyfriend in her life and then two weeks later be talking to him about getting married (one of which she did marry). I was never secure in that relationship and usually moved out when she became too serious with the guy. To me, talking about marriage is serious. Genie, however, could never understand why I left. Unfortunately for her, once I left the relationships just sort of petered out with the other men, and she would be asking me to move back in with her a month later. Then it would happen again. Okay, so I'm a masochist and glutton for punishment. I lived with her three different times, not to mention almost moving back in with with two additional times after that. Each time she promised that it would be different, but emotions are not always predictable. I understand what your husband is going through and empathize with him. Still, were I to get involved in another relationship, which I hope to do, I would want my wife/Mistress to cuckold me. I've found nothing else that can get me into subspace quicker than that, even washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen :-)). Once your husband understands in his heart that there's nothing to fear by you seeing other men, he will begin to relax and enjoy the process, and it will be an exciting process.

Wife of sissy said...

You correctly identified your husnand's fears about the effects of any future cuckolding, especially with Jim. I encourage you to do a little confessional with your husband, especially when he is in an aroused state. This would be a good time to reinforce his enjoyment of the event, your love of him and to tell him of how much you enjoyed it and why you did enjoy it. Just some ideas

CoolioKK said...

Thank you for posting your very honest thoughts about your experiences. I am learning a lot from blog and the excellent comments that your readers leave. My sexual fantasies have become increasingly centered on being dominated and cuckolded by my wife. I am not sure where these thoughts are taking me.

Some of what I read here appeals to me and some is beyond what I can deal with at this point. Maybe this is just a normal progression. I know that the thought of being a cuckold awakens very power submissive/erotic feelings in me. It goes beyond the eroticism of just watching my wife have sex. The real thrill would be to know that she is getting something from her lover that I can't or am not allowed to give her.

At this point, I know that I am not ready to assume all the housework or to be flogged periodically. I am not sure how this all fits together. Like I said, maybe this is a natural progression.

softncuddlyguy said...

I think that FemDom is a form of addiction and co-dependance - The husband is addicted to lust from his humiliation and the wife is addicted to power. I think the term "subspace" is just another word for euphoric lust.

One of the characteristics of addiction is tolerance - Increasing amounts or increasingly risky actions are needed over time to get continue getting a rush. You've demonstrated this in your blog through the increasing crossing of boundaries that were originally out of bounds (golden showers and strap-on).

The "insecurity" you describe in your husband is simply his fear of becoming insignificant to you. It's really ironic - It's through humiliation, degradation and becoming less significant that your husband feeds his lust. Yet he also has fear of loosing you through those same humiating (degrading) acts. On a very primal level, he fears that someone else may take his place. Yet that same fear itself creates further humiliation (feelings of insignificance) and further euphoric lust.

The emotions involved are very complex. I don't know why my own craving for and experiencing humiliation creates such strong feelngs of lust - but if does. My counselor says that I am feeding on my "false core beliefs" of inadequacy and insignificance that were created through childhood abandonment. Is that the case, or am I genetically predisposed to be submissive? Certainly in a litter of puppies, some are submissive and others are dominant, yet they all had the same environment.

This link from a female counselor and sex addict and childhood abuse and rape survivor explains the concept of false core beliefs and addiction:

Gaias Pet said...

Having passed the stage of consuming jealousy and insecurity, we us the terms "lover", "boyyfriend", "stud", "friend", among others.

For beginners with problems with labels, perhaps the old term "consort" could gain acceptance as it sounds respectable enough.

While my wife's motto is "Love is love and sex is sex", she much prefers passion and romance to be part of the way a lover relates to her both in and out of bed. I have no problem with that at all as I think her time with another man should be more that it being purely "just a fuck". In the past, I used to love watching her making love with another man. Now I realise that giving herself to another man is an intimate thing and I should not expect it to be done for any other reason than for her pleasure and satisfaction. I respect that it is a very private moment for her, for them both. So I am glad when she goes on a date and shares those special, intimate, private imes with a lover. And I am glad when she comes back to the loving arms of her adoring submissive husband.

Since she is more sexually attracted to alpha males who are gentlemen, but is throughly sold on being the dominant wife, her finding passion and thrills and sexual satisfaction in the arms of another man is little threat to our marriage. Her belief in polyamory also helps: jjust because she may deveip strong feelings for a lover, it does not mean an end to her loving me nor does it take away from what we have together as wife and husband. On the contrary, her freedom is a significant part of why she deeply appreciates our marriage and puts effort into making it work. She basks in my adoration, love, submission, and obedience and tells me that I am the best husband she could ever want.